4 Weeks 3 Days and counting to D-Day. I was starting to get nervous, but not in the way you would think. I was told that to describe the 6 weeks leading up to the wedding as hectic is like describing white water rafting as boating.
I’m on a white water raft ride of my own at the moment. The only difference to this and normal white water rafting is that Caroline, her Mum and bridesmaids are in the boat, Caroline is “driving” and directing where we are going. I am in a rubber ring in the water behind them, tied to the boat and doing my best impression of the relaxed man in those hamlet cigars adds on TV. The girls are very confident they know what they are doing, where they are going and how to get there. Only thing is that I know none of them have ever been white water rafting before. Not in Caroline’s boat anyway.
Now anyone who has had the pleasure of being in a Car with Caroline or watched her play Super Mario Brothers on the DS is aware of the “very mild” bouts of road rage that she suffers from. Now, I’m not talking about the type of rage that ensues when you come off the M7 motorway after Portlaois. 120KPH from Dublin all the way down and you come to a shuddering halt when you meet the Mountrath welcoming committee. A convoy of Horseboxes and tractors await you that, (in my humble opinion) simply circle this little village at 30KPH on an hourly basis. They do this just to annoy everyone doing their best to get through Laois as quickly as possible.
No, I’m talking Taxi cutting you off on Dame Street, red faced, steam escaping from ears, window down shouting, phone the taxi regulator to complain road rage. Now to her eternal credit Caroline has not had any bouts of wedding road rage to date. I feared however that with choppy waters approaching this may change.
So there I was on Saturday in the kitchen chatting to the 3 ladies in question. Caroline is about to head out the door to drop off some suits to the dry cleaners. Ruby, Caroline’s black Labrador was sitting on her bed by the radiator listening surprisingly quietly to the on-going wedding conversations. That my friends is when I had, what can only be described as a moment where time stood still. Somehow Caroline’s suit trousers (which were lying over the back of the chair) caught my eye. Something didn’t seem quiet right about them……….it wasn’t. Just like you would see in one of those cheesy 80's TV shows, slow motion followed where my gaze turned to Ruby who, at that exact moment turned to look at me. Man and Man’s best friend shared a moment of terror. We both thought the same thing. Exit Stage Left. I opened the kitchen door and Ruby stood up preparing to move. Then it all went wrong. “RUBY……..WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.”
The entire backside area of Caroline’s Suit trousers were “missing”, eaten to be more precise. I’m not entirely sure how Caroline didn’t spot this earlier. In fact I’m still not entirely sure how Ruby managed to eat it in the first place, as the trousers were still on the line when Caroline picked them up. But needless to say the poor Dog knew she had done wrong. She lay down flat; tail stopped moving, ears dropped, puppy eyes looking up at Caroline, then at me. The water was getting rough, a wave had hit the rubber ring and my Hamlet Cigar had fallen into the water. A waterfall was quickly approaching.
I’m not sure if Ruby understands the word “RUN” but I have never seen her move that fast to get out of the house before. Straight outside, into her dog house and didn’t even look back. I went back inside to survey the damage. You can only imagine my surprise to find the ladies laughing about the whole incident. Mad at the dog granted, but no steaming ears, shouting or ranting to be seen. No bride-zilla’s, mother in law-zilla’s, bridesmaid-zilla's, no zilla’s of any kind anywhere in the vicinity.
So ladies and gentlemen; crisis averted, Ruby still lives, oblivious to how close she came to disaster and Caroline has an excuse to shop for a new suit. All those people who said weddings are stressful occasions were pulling my leg. The next 4 weeks and 3 days are going to be a breeze. Back to my rubber ring, calm waters, cigar in hand, cue Hamlet music………….
