7. The O'Brien Identity

11 Days to go and counting and Munster have struck gold in the battle of the red waistcoat. For those of you that don't know; the only requirement I had for the wedding (aside from Caroline turning up) was that I got to wear a red waistcoat as part of my suit. Every facet of this day has been meticulously planned out and executed by the Leinster brigade. I needed to bring a little bit of country to this rock and roll day.

I successfully managed to veto the blue and yellow bridesmaids dresses. I feel however this was a diversionary tactic to call my bluff and keep me off guard. Up to this I had suffered complete failure in my attempts to have a Thomand Park wedding. I was vetoed in my attempts to have the Heineken cup used as the something borrowed (seen as its only on a 12month loan in Donnybrook). I suggested piebald ponies and my uncles kart as the wedding car (I can't repeat the response to that because of the watershed).

So there I was, only days left to go and only for my name on the invite and the wedding booklet there was no O'Brien identity on the wedding day. That was the case anyway, until last week.

I was thwarted in my original attempts at getting a red waistcoat. We arrived down to Limerick to try on the suits. I asked my aunt if they had any red waistcoats. She looked at my mother and said, we do but they are being used at the moment at a wedding in Rathkeele. The look on my mother's face should have told Caroline exactly what that meant. Caroline however was oblivious to my delight, might get away with this yet. Not with my luck I didn't. Now for all the none Limerick people reading this; Caroline proceeded to ask "What is wrong with that?"

Before my aunt even responded my heart sank. My red waistcoat chances were disappearing before my eyes. "Well; There is nothing wrong per say with the waistcoats. The gentleman who ordered them was here for his son's wedding. He arrived in wearing a vest, shorts and a pair of sandals with socks on (note the emphasis here it is not a typo)".

"Nothing wrong with that" I said. "I spent many a summer at home in a vest and shorts. Maybe he had just had surgery for his bunions and couldn't expose his feet to the air."

"Possibly" said my aunt. Then came the killer blow; my aunt proceeded that when she asked him how many waistcoats and what sizes he needed he responded "Well Boss, we nee abou turteen of um. tree dis syze, sex dis size an fore of da begist syze ya ave in the shop". All this with his hands outstretched like a man showing his mates in the pub the size of the fish he caught that morning.

I didn't even wait for Caroline to respond to this. I just jumped in and said "sure we can take a look at what you have in stock" and I ran upstairs to the fitting area. We didn't speak of it again; until last week.

So there I was sitting in my room studying, pining over what could have been. Planning for a day where I will have a waistcoat to match the bride and my groomsmen matching the bridesmaids. A package was delivered to the house with the little bride and groom for the top of the wedding cake. Caroline yelled up to me to come down and see it. Belligerently I yelled down to her "Unless he is wearing a Munster Jersey I don't care what it looks like". Caroline didn't respond, she walked up stairs and put the cake topper on my desk.



The O'Brien Identity has been successful, I got my red waistcoat, well sorta anyway. Up next comes the O'Brien Marriage Supremacy.....

6. The curious incident of the Dog and the Suit Trousers….

4 Weeks 3 Days and counting to D-Day. I was starting to get nervous, but not in the way you would think. I was told that to describe the 6 weeks leading up to the wedding as hectic is like describing white water rafting as boating.

I’m on a white water raft ride of my own at the moment. The only difference to this and normal white water rafting is that Caroline, her Mum and bridesmaids are in the boat, Caroline is “driving” and directing where we are going. I am in a rubber ring in the water behind them, tied to the boat and doing my best impression of the relaxed man in those hamlet cigars adds on TV. The girls are very confident they know what they are doing, where they are going and how to get there. Only thing is that I know none of them have ever been white water rafting before. Not in Caroline’s boat anyway.

Now anyone who has had the pleasure of being in a Car with Caroline or watched her play Super Mario Brothers on the DS is aware of the “very mild” bouts of road rage that she suffers from. Now, I’m not talking about the type of rage that ensues when you come off the M7 motorway after Portlaois. 120KPH from Dublin all the way down and you come to a shuddering halt when you meet the Mountrath welcoming committee. A convoy of Horseboxes and tractors await you that, (in my humble opinion) simply circle this little village at 30KPH on an hourly basis. They do this just to annoy everyone doing their best to get through Laois as quickly as possible.

No, I’m talking Taxi cutting you off on Dame Street, red faced, steam escaping from ears, window down shouting, phone the taxi regulator to complain road rage. Now to her eternal credit Caroline has not had any bouts of wedding road rage to date. I feared however that with choppy waters approaching this may change.

So there I was on Saturday in the kitchen chatting to the 3 ladies in question. Caroline is about to head out the door to drop off some suits to the dry cleaners. Ruby, Caroline’s black Labrador was sitting on her bed by the radiator listening surprisingly quietly to the on-going wedding conversations. That my friends is when I had, what can only be described as a moment where time stood still. Somehow Caroline’s suit trousers (which were lying over the back of the chair) caught my eye. Something didn’t seem quiet right about them……….it wasn’t. Just like you would see in one of those cheesy 80's TV shows, slow motion followed where my gaze turned to Ruby who, at that exact moment turned to look at me. Man and Man’s best friend shared a moment of terror. We both thought the same thing. Exit Stage Left. I opened the kitchen door and Ruby stood up preparing to move. Then it all went wrong. “RUBY……..WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.”

The entire backside area of Caroline’s Suit trousers were “missing”, eaten to be more precise. I’m not entirely sure how Caroline didn’t spot this earlier. In fact I’m still not entirely sure how Ruby managed to eat it in the first place, as the trousers were still on the line when Caroline picked them up. But needless to say the poor Dog knew she had done wrong. She lay down flat; tail stopped moving, ears dropped, puppy eyes looking up at Caroline, then at me. The water was getting rough, a wave had hit the rubber ring and my Hamlet Cigar had fallen into the water. A waterfall was quickly approaching.

I’m not sure if Ruby understands the word “RUN” but I have never seen her move that fast to get out of the house before. Straight outside, into her dog house and didn’t even look back. I went back inside to survey the damage. You can only imagine my surprise to find the ladies laughing about the whole incident. Mad at the dog granted, but no steaming ears, shouting or ranting to be seen. No bride-zilla’s, mother in law-zilla’s, bridesmaid-zilla's, no zilla’s of any kind anywhere in the vicinity.

So ladies and gentlemen; crisis averted, Ruby still lives, oblivious to how close she came to disaster and Caroline has an excuse to shop for a new suit. All those people who said weddings are stressful occasions were pulling my leg. The next 4 weeks and 3 days are going to be a breeze. Back to my rubber ring, calm waters, cigar in hand, cue Hamlet music………….

5. Don't Forget the Wife.....

It has been a while now since my last blog entry. In truth it’s been quiet over the last few months. With time starting to run out everything has starting to get busy again in the lead up to the wedding.

Learned a lot of lessons over the last few weeks but none more so than what I'm about to tell you. You must never EVER under any circumstances forget the wife.

Bit of background for you. When Caroline and I started going out we had arranged to meet friends of ours in Leixlip Co. Kildare. I was living in Sandyford (South Dublin) and Caroline was at home in Lucan. I headed off on my merry way to meet everyone in Leixlip. Once I arrived I got in the door to be greeted by our friends. The usual banter ensured until someone said to me "Where is Caroline?". I responded "Be right back." Indeed I was right back, 20mins later, with Caroline in tow. Not a good start to our relationship you might think. It gets worse.

12 Months later we were both attending the wedding of 2 college friends of mine, Maurice and Gillian. After the ceremony, when you were walking out of the church greeting the happy couple, I greeted Bride and Groom, wished them well and walked on forgetting to introduce my darling girlfriend. Caroline introduced herself, wished them well and reminded me afterwards not to forget to introduce her at the next wedding. Unforgivable? Probably not, but certainly a yellow card offence. Unfortunately it got worse..

12 Months later at another college wedding (Brendan and Siobhan), we laughed beforehand with some friends about how I had forgotten to introduce Caroline at the previous wedding. Yes you guessed it. Out the front door, wished everyone well and went on my merry way forgetting Caroline. I'm telling you this woman has the patience of a saint. But guess what? It gets worse still...

Yesterday I was booking the accommodation for our honeymoon in Hawaii. Sorted out the room, rates, view etc etc. I confirmed and paid for the room. I was then showing Caroline the booking. "It looks beautiful there". She said. "It really is a lovely hotel, you are really going to enjoy it on your own...". I couldn't believe it. Honeymoon suite in a hotel in Hawaii, booked for 1.

2 minutes later I'm on hold to the hotel reception. "Yes Mr O'Brien, we have your booking confirmation for the honeymoon suite here in front of me". So there I was, fiancé beside me when I replied " Small problem with the booking, can you make that booking for 2, I forgot to add the wife." I have to admit I never heard synchronised laughter before across such a large distance; but Caroline and the receptionist shared a good old laugh at my expense.

Moral of the story gentlemen! No matter where you are. No matter what you’re doing. No matter what you are booking. Don't forget the wife....